Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
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That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
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All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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