Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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