Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
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I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
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Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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