Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
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It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
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Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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