is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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