I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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