They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
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I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
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Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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