My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
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