If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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