Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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