Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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