My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize