Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
the raccoons are back...
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