My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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