he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
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He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
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What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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