Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
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She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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