She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
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I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
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Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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