i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize