Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize