Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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