At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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