If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
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i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
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Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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