After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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