Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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