I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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