I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
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I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
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He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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