You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
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I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
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So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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