Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
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Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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