So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
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All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
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Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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