I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
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She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
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That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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