Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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