They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
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I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
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I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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