i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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