it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
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Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
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I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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