Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
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no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
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You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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