her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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