I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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