I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
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theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
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The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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