It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
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Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
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Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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