3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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