I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
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You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
How does it feel to date your dad?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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