I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
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during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
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I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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