The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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