my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
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Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
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Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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