do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize