I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
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He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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