I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
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how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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