He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
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My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
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I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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