I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
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Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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