nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
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it was like a zeppelin in a condom
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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